He's Just Not That Into Me

Well, The Boy (ok, fine - Paul) finally wrote back yesterday. In response to me asking him if he was interested in getting together again, he said, and I quote: "Really wish I could but right now I'm buried in work with a huge number of projects I'm working on." Are you freaking KIDDING ME?! What a slap in the face!!! I'd rather him just have ignored my email and not written back at all, or been honest if he had to write something. He could have said something about not feeling any chemistry or not thinking we were a good match, but a line of complete and utter bullshit like that I could do without. I mean, does he really think I'm stupid enough to actually buy that crap about he wishes he could but he's too busy?! What the fuck is wrong with people?! I haven't read the book and I haven't seen the movie, but I'm no idiot - I can tell when a guy just isn't that into me! I was fine with not hearing back from him at all, that was what I thought was the case at this point, but then that email just totally pissed me off. I guess it's not that he's not "that" into me - he's just not into me at all. Whatever.

So, I don't think I remember how to be in a relationship. I don't remember what to do. What it feels like. I just know that I want it. On the T today, there was this really annoying couple who were all over each other, kissing on the lips, talking to each other with their faces about 2 inches apart, arms around each other, blah blah blah. It was so annoying. But I realized that it's been SO incredibly long since I've done that (in public or private!) that I don't even know what it feels like anymore. I'm so used to being on my own that I don't know if I'll know what to do if I ever find someone to be with. And, for the same reason of having been on my own for so long, I feel like I'll never find someone who wants to be with me. I've been trying, I've gone on dates, I've gone speeddating, I've been set up... and I haven't met anyone. No one in almost 8 years has wanted to be in a relationship with me (at least, no one who I've also wanted to be in a relationship with). So how do I know, how am I supposed to believe, that anyone ever will?! Everyone says "he's out there somewhere, you just haven't found him yet" and "there's someone out there for everyone" but how do they know that?? It's not even true. My aunts I and F have never gotten married. Both are heterosexual. Ok, so F is a little eccentric and I can see why she's had trouble finding someone, but I is awesome. No reason for her to never have found anyone. I wonder if either of them ever made the conscious decision to stop looking. To be alone the rest of their lives. Or are they still looking? Do they regret stopping looking? I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it, either. I've looked. I've been looking. I've lost all hope at this point. So what's keeping me looking? Should I start making concessions, widening my range of what I'm looking for, what I'll accept? At what point do I decide I don't care if he's Jewish or not? Thing is, I DO care. But at some point I have to stop caring. At some point it may come down to, I can find and marry someone not Jewish, or I can not find someone at all. Then what? Will I be happy? If no Jewish guy wants me, what makes me think a non-Jewish one will?

In Case You Forgot... You're Single

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Maybe someday, if I ever have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband on V-Day, I'll like it, but for now, it just sucks. It just serves as one more reminder (in case I forget) that I'm single as single can be. I commented to a couple of people at work today that when you've been single for as long as I have (ok, I'll put it out in the open right now that it's been almost 8 years since I've been in a relationship), it gets harder and harder not to think it must be ME. They, of course, gave me all the usual crap along the lines of "you just haven't found the right one yet but he's out there somewhere give it time you have plenty of time you're still young it's not you you just haven't found the right person for you" and on and on... Whatever. So hard to believe at this point. And it's not like I haven't been hearing that shit for years already.

I had a second date last Friday, a week ago from tonight. I thought it went well, but I haven't heard from The Boy yet. Yep, that's right - no name, just "The Boy". Far as I'm concerned, they have to earn being called by name. Until there's something going on, until I know they're actually interested, until they actually CALL ME, they're just "The Boy". Because they're really all the same until that happens, you know? And I know they're supposedly "men" not "boys", but considering they don't tend to act like it, they're not going to be labeled it. Plus, I've always just said "The Boy" in relation to whatever random guy I have a date or two with. I liked this Boy. Date number one, coffee, went well - we sat and talked for over 2 hours. Date number two, drinks, also went well (or so I thought) - we sat and talked for 3 hours. I mean, if he wasn't interested, he could've called it a night after an hour and a half. So, why sit there and talk to me for 3 hours as if you're interested and then not call, email, or text? That's right - any form of communication would be ok. I emailed him yesterday morning, saying thank you again and asking if he was interested in getting together again. No response, at least not yet, but I have absolutely no hope.

So, now it's Friday night, I'm sitting home blogging, tomorrow is Valentine's Freakin' Day, and I'm lonely as hell. See, what happens is, when I don't have any dating action at all for a while, the whole wanting to find someone thing gets pushed to the back burner in my mind. It gets easier to just ignore the whole thing, the whole topic. But then when I have a date or two, and especially when I actually like the guy, and then it fizzles out, it brings it all back up again in my mind and I get really lonely and miserable being single.

I'm done being single. I've done all I want and need to do as a single woman. I've started a new job, changed careers, moved to a new city, bought a house, got a dog, sold a house, moved back to the original city, started a new job. I'm so beyond ready to finally have someone to share things with, do things with, oh yeah, and have babies with! I know I could do that as a single woman, but I really don't want to. I mean, maybe someday I'll have no choice - I don't want to have to give up both having a husband and having kids, but I'd really rather have them with a husband.

Why is it so easy for what seems like everyone else to find someone? Why is it that they can and I can't? What do they have that I don't? What do they do that I don't? Could it really be that no one wants to be with me because I'm chubby? I have that in the back of my mind, that I won't be able to find someone until I lose weight. But then I think, well, this is me - I shouldn't have to change. I'll never be a skinny girl, so guys who want those aren't the right guy for me - fine. But there are so many girls who are chubby, or even fat, who have boyfriends and husbands - why can't I be one of them? Why is it so damn hard to find someone? I moved back to my current city specifically because my old city wasn't where I was going to find someone. I want to find a Jewish guy, and there just weren't enough choices there. There are supposedly so many more of them here, but I heard recently that in this city, there are 4-5 Jewish girls for every Jewish guy. Lovely. Wish I knew that before I moved back!