In Case You Forgot... You're Single

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Maybe someday, if I ever have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband on V-Day, I'll like it, but for now, it just sucks. It just serves as one more reminder (in case I forget) that I'm single as single can be. I commented to a couple of people at work today that when you've been single for as long as I have (ok, I'll put it out in the open right now that it's been almost 8 years since I've been in a relationship), it gets harder and harder not to think it must be ME. They, of course, gave me all the usual crap along the lines of "you just haven't found the right one yet but he's out there somewhere give it time you have plenty of time you're still young it's not you you just haven't found the right person for you" and on and on... Whatever. So hard to believe at this point. And it's not like I haven't been hearing that shit for years already.

I had a second date last Friday, a week ago from tonight. I thought it went well, but I haven't heard from The Boy yet. Yep, that's right - no name, just "The Boy". Far as I'm concerned, they have to earn being called by name. Until there's something going on, until I know they're actually interested, until they actually CALL ME, they're just "The Boy". Because they're really all the same until that happens, you know? And I know they're supposedly "men" not "boys", but considering they don't tend to act like it, they're not going to be labeled it. Plus, I've always just said "The Boy" in relation to whatever random guy I have a date or two with. I liked this Boy. Date number one, coffee, went well - we sat and talked for over 2 hours. Date number two, drinks, also went well (or so I thought) - we sat and talked for 3 hours. I mean, if he wasn't interested, he could've called it a night after an hour and a half. So, why sit there and talk to me for 3 hours as if you're interested and then not call, email, or text? That's right - any form of communication would be ok. I emailed him yesterday morning, saying thank you again and asking if he was interested in getting together again. No response, at least not yet, but I have absolutely no hope.

So, now it's Friday night, I'm sitting home blogging, tomorrow is Valentine's Freakin' Day, and I'm lonely as hell. See, what happens is, when I don't have any dating action at all for a while, the whole wanting to find someone thing gets pushed to the back burner in my mind. It gets easier to just ignore the whole thing, the whole topic. But then when I have a date or two, and especially when I actually like the guy, and then it fizzles out, it brings it all back up again in my mind and I get really lonely and miserable being single.

I'm done being single. I've done all I want and need to do as a single woman. I've started a new job, changed careers, moved to a new city, bought a house, got a dog, sold a house, moved back to the original city, started a new job. I'm so beyond ready to finally have someone to share things with, do things with, oh yeah, and have babies with! I know I could do that as a single woman, but I really don't want to. I mean, maybe someday I'll have no choice - I don't want to have to give up both having a husband and having kids, but I'd really rather have them with a husband.

Why is it so easy for what seems like everyone else to find someone? Why is it that they can and I can't? What do they have that I don't? What do they do that I don't? Could it really be that no one wants to be with me because I'm chubby? I have that in the back of my mind, that I won't be able to find someone until I lose weight. But then I think, well, this is me - I shouldn't have to change. I'll never be a skinny girl, so guys who want those aren't the right guy for me - fine. But there are so many girls who are chubby, or even fat, who have boyfriends and husbands - why can't I be one of them? Why is it so damn hard to find someone? I moved back to my current city specifically because my old city wasn't where I was going to find someone. I want to find a Jewish guy, and there just weren't enough choices there. There are supposedly so many more of them here, but I heard recently that in this city, there are 4-5 Jewish girls for every Jewish guy. Lovely. Wish I knew that before I moved back!