He's Just Not That Into Me

Well, The Boy (ok, fine - Paul) finally wrote back yesterday. In response to me asking him if he was interested in getting together again, he said, and I quote: "Really wish I could but right now I'm buried in work with a huge number of projects I'm working on." Are you freaking KIDDING ME?! What a slap in the face!!! I'd rather him just have ignored my email and not written back at all, or been honest if he had to write something. He could have said something about not feeling any chemistry or not thinking we were a good match, but a line of complete and utter bullshit like that I could do without. I mean, does he really think I'm stupid enough to actually buy that crap about he wishes he could but he's too busy?! What the fuck is wrong with people?! I haven't read the book and I haven't seen the movie, but I'm no idiot - I can tell when a guy just isn't that into me! I was fine with not hearing back from him at all, that was what I thought was the case at this point, but then that email just totally pissed me off. I guess it's not that he's not "that" into me - he's just not into me at all. Whatever.

So, I don't think I remember how to be in a relationship. I don't remember what to do. What it feels like. I just know that I want it. On the T today, there was this really annoying couple who were all over each other, kissing on the lips, talking to each other with their faces about 2 inches apart, arms around each other, blah blah blah. It was so annoying. But I realized that it's been SO incredibly long since I've done that (in public or private!) that I don't even know what it feels like anymore. I'm so used to being on my own that I don't know if I'll know what to do if I ever find someone to be with. And, for the same reason of having been on my own for so long, I feel like I'll never find someone who wants to be with me. I've been trying, I've gone on dates, I've gone speeddating, I've been set up... and I haven't met anyone. No one in almost 8 years has wanted to be in a relationship with me (at least, no one who I've also wanted to be in a relationship with). So how do I know, how am I supposed to believe, that anyone ever will?! Everyone says "he's out there somewhere, you just haven't found him yet" and "there's someone out there for everyone" but how do they know that?? It's not even true. My aunts I and F have never gotten married. Both are heterosexual. Ok, so F is a little eccentric and I can see why she's had trouble finding someone, but I is awesome. No reason for her to never have found anyone. I wonder if either of them ever made the conscious decision to stop looking. To be alone the rest of their lives. Or are they still looking? Do they regret stopping looking? I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it, either. I've looked. I've been looking. I've lost all hope at this point. So what's keeping me looking? Should I start making concessions, widening my range of what I'm looking for, what I'll accept? At what point do I decide I don't care if he's Jewish or not? Thing is, I DO care. But at some point I have to stop caring. At some point it may come down to, I can find and marry someone not Jewish, or I can not find someone at all. Then what? Will I be happy? If no Jewish guy wants me, what makes me think a non-Jewish one will?